A man boards a plane with 6 kids.
After they get settled in their seats a woman sitting across the
aisle leans over to the man and asks, ‘Are all of these kids
He replies, ‘No. I work for a condom company. These are customer
Wish I could think so quickly…
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell–They don’t even serve food anymore, so what’s the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a ‘party atmosphere’ going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn’t need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and ‘special services.’
Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right–a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn’t Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
O’Brian loved to play golf and would go out alone to a course andget paired up with any group that needed a fourth. One day he went to hisfavorite course and the starter said, “I’m sorry O’Brian, but theonly group I can put you with is one with three Chassidic rabbis.”
O’Brian says, “That’s fine with me.”
He joins the group and tees off. His shot is about 200 yards out and off to the right rough. Reb Moshe tees off 300 yards straight out into the middle of the fairway. Reb Yitzchak’s shot is about 290 and Reb Yaacov’s is 300, but slightly off center. O’Brian has trouble with getting out of the rough and three-putts, while the rabbis’ approach shots are right on the pin, they two-putt for par.
The rest of the round is the same, with the rabbi’s scores eitherpar or under par, while O’Brian has a 90. He says to them, “You guys mustplay and practice all the time.”
Reb Yitzchak says, “No, we study all the time and only play once a week. But, on our Sabbath, while we are in shul, we say a prayer asking God to give us one good round of golf each week.”
O’Brian is so impressed that he goes home and tells his wife thatthey are converting. They study, convert, join a shul, and go to servicesevery Shabbat.
About a year later, O’Brian runs into the threesome at the same course and they invite him to play with them. The game is exactly like last year’s. O’Brian is doing nothing right, and the three are perfect. At the end,O’Brian says to the rabbis, “I don’t understand it. I converted, joined a shul, pray every week.”
Reb Moshe says, “You joined a shul? Which one?”
O’Brian says, “Beth El.”
Reb Moshe says, “No, no, no! Beth El is for TENNIS!”
Two bees buzz around what’s left of a rose bush. “How was your summer?” asks bee number one. “Not too good,” says bee two. “Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen.” The first bee has an idea. “Hey, why don’t you go down the corner and hanga left? There’s a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit.” Beetwo buzzes, “Thanks!” and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into eachother again. “How was the bar mitzvah?” asks the first bee. “Great!” saysthe second. The first bee peers at his pal and wonders, “What’s that on your head?” “A yarmulke,” the bee answers. “I didn’t want them tothink I was a wasp.”
An American couple arrived on holiday in Jerusalem, and passing by the Western Wall noticed, apart from the generality of those praying, one man in particular, whose devotions seemed even more intense than the others, to the extent that from time to time he would beat his hands, and even his forehead, against it. They continued with their sight-seeing, and returning to their hotel for lunch they noticed that while most had gone, he was still there. In the afternoon their route took them in that direction again, and there he was, and similarly on theirreturn at tea time, although it was obvious that all the other personnelhad changed on each occasion.
Very intrigued, they walked back again after dinner,and there he was, but as they watched he finished and began to fold uphis tallis, so they walked over to talk to him. “Forgive us for intruding,but we have passed this way five times today, and on each occasionwe have noticed that you were here, praying. Everyone else seems tostay for an hour or so, but it appears to us that you have been hereall day. Can you explain to us, what special prayers are you sayingthat need so much time?”
“Well,” he replied, “it is true that I am here all day every day, but I pray according to my own system. For the first two hours or so I pray for myself, my wife, my children, the whole of my family. For the next two hours I pray for the State of Israel, that it should prosper in peace. Then I pray for the whole of the Middle East, that there should be understanding, friendship with our neighbours, and no more wars or terrorism. Finally I pray for the whole world, for an end to poverty, pain, suffering, and animosity, and for universal peace.” The visitors were most impressed. Tears came to their eyes. “That is fantastic, such piety, such nobility of character,such selflessness! That anyone could be so devout; what must it belike, what must it feel like?”
“Ah, what does it feel like?
You want to know what it feels like?? It feels like I’m talking to a wall!!”
Headline: MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, trade named BOOK.
BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s soeasy to use, even a child can operate it.
Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere — even sitting in an armchair by the fire — yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc. Here’s how it works:
BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information.
The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling theinformation density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospectsfor further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more informationsimply use more pages.
Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directlyinto your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.
BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it.
BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though like other display devices it can become unusable if dropped overboard. The “browse” feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backwardas you wish. Many come with an “index” feature, which pin-points the exactlocation of any selected information for instant retrieval.
An optional “BOOKmark” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session — even if the BOOK has been closed. BOOKmarks fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK.
You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication
Language Stylus (PENCILS).
Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. Also, BOOK’s appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking. Look for a flood of new titles soon.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and and said “Who owns the big white horse outside.” The Lone Ranger stoodup, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do , why?” The cowboy looked at theLone Ranger and said “I just thought you’d like to know that your horseis about dead outside!!”
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silverwas about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him somewater and made him drink it and soon Silver was starting to feel a littlebetter. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you torun around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to makehim start to feel better.
“Tonto said, “Sure Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to thebar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, “Who owns that big white horse outside?” The Lone Ranger stands again,and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?” The cowboy says tohim, “Nothing much, I just wanted you to know………………………
You left your Injun runnin”!!!”
George Carlin’s warped thoughts!
1. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
2. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
3. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled a them would they still
grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
4. What’s another word for synonym?
5. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice”?
6. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
7. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
8. Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
9. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
10. Why do they report power outages on TV?
11. What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
12. Is it possible to be totally partial?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. Would a fly that loses it wings be called a walk?
15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
16. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their
17. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
18. If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman to hear him, is he
19. If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?
20. Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
21. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
22. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
23. Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
24. If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
The madame opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked ‘needy. “Can I help you?” the madame asked. “I want Natalie,” the old man replied. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies perhaps someone else…” “No, I want Natalie.” Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charged $1,000 per hour. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the mancalmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts… it was still $1,000 for one hour. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night no one could believe it.
Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row…where are you from?” The old man replied, “I am from Minsk.” “Really”, replied Natalie, “I have a sister who livesthere.” “I know,” said the old man, “she gave me $3,000 to give to you.”
Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But, every once in a while, he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him — “Howard. Don’t worry about it. You aren’t the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, and you won’t be the last.” But, invariably, the other voice would bring him back to reality —
“Howard. You’re a veterinarian.”
MOMMY’S LITTLE GIRL
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out ofthe blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”
The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.
The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”
Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”
The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, “Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey,that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk aboutit now.”
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend’s house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation. The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.” Later, the little girl and her mother are outand about again. The little girl starts off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I k now how old you are. You’re 32 years old.”
The mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”
The little girl shrugs and says, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.”
“Where did you learn that?”
The little girl says, “I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an “F” in sex.”
SEMINARS FOR FEMALES
(prepared and presented by males)
OK, Here’s the Female version.
1. Are You Ready to Leave?: Definition of the Word YES
2. Appropriate Rhetorical Questions (formerly titled “Honey, Do ILook Fat?”)
3. Elementary Map Reading
4. Crying and Law Enforcement
5. Advanced Math Seminar: Programming Your VCR
6. You CAN Go Shopping for Less than 4 Hours
7. Gaining Five Pounds vs. The End of the World: A Study in Contrast
8. The Seven-Outfit Week
9. PMS: It’s YOUR Problem, Not Mine (formerly “It’s Happened Monthly Since Puberty: Deal With It”)
10. Driving : Makeup and Driving: It’s As Simple As Oil and Water
11. Beyond “Clean and Dirty”: The Nuances of Wearable Laundry
12. Joys of the Remote Control: Reaping the Benefits of 50+ Channels
13. We Forget Birthdays, You Forget Sports Stats: LET’S LET IT DROP
14. Know When to Say When: The Limits of Makeup
15. Telephone Translations (formerly titled “Me Too Equals I LoveYou”)
16. Yes, You Too Can Buy Condoms (formerly titled “WE learned to deal with the embarrassment”)
17. Gift-giving Fundamentals (formerly titled “Fabric Bad, Electronics Good”)
18. Putting the Seat Down By Yourself: Potential Energy is on Your Side
19. MYOB: Proper Response to Other Couple’s Public Arguments
20. The Penis: His Best Friend Can Be Yours Too
21. Your Mate: Selfish Bastard, or Victimized Sensitive Man?
Each simile listed below was actually used by high school students in their various essays and short stories:
He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without oneof those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse withoutone of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and “Jeopardy” comes on at 7 P.M. instead of 7:30.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots inthe center.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her lifewas a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as something like”second tall man”.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers race across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, onehaving left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M. traveling at 55 mph, the other fromTopeka at 4:19P.M. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr. Pepper can.
They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
The World’s Shortest Books
25. “My Plan To Find The Real Killers” by OJ Simpson
24. “To All The Men I’ve Loved Before” by Ellen DeGeneres
23. “The Book of Virtues” by Dean Rains
22. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
21. Human Rights Advances in China
20. “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
19. Al Gore: The Wild Years
18. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
17. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
16. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
15. Detroit – A Travel Guide
14. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
13. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
12. Easy UNIX
11. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
10. Everything Men Know About Women
9. Everything Women Know About Men
8. French Hospitality
7. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
6. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
5. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
4. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
3. Staple Your Way to Success
2. The Amish Phone Directory
1. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to thearmpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying besideher.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it willnot be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don’t have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigatedmore closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river – or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations – even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as thehelicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings – especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one. Any lock can bepicked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds – unless it’s the doorto a burning building with a child trapped inside.
You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make father’s forget their son’s eighth birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to thestand in a trial–a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her andasked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do knowyou Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly,you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife,you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You thinkyou’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you neverwill amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across theroom and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?” She againreplied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster,too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a realdisappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. Theman can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice isone of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.” At this point,the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to thebench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asksher if she knows me, you’ll be in jail for contempt within 5 minutes!”
THE PERFECT DAY – HER
8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
2:30 Run into boyfriend’s/husband’s ex – notice she’s gained 30lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms
THE PERFECT DAY – HIM
7:00- 7:30 Shower and massage.
7:30- 7:45 Blowjob.
7:45- 8:15 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O’Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30-12:30 Lunch – 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:45- 2:30 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30- 6:15 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15- 6:30 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00- 9:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton’s resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00-10:30 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, ChateauLafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brule, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30-11:30 Sex with 3 women (minimum two with mixed racialorigin)
11:30-12:00 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave.
Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Mostof my husband’s early films ended with a scream and a flush.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they’re really in trouble, I have to getoff the phone in case they call him.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that isa combination address book, telescope and piano.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and thelast log does not burn, he will take it personally.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
Most men hate to shop. That’s why the men’s department is usually onthe first floor of a department store, two inches from thedoor.
If a man prepares dinner for you & the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he’s serious.
Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’ shorts get baggier and longer.
When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie ‘The Way We Were’ twice, voluntarily.
Most women are introspective: “Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?” Most men are outrospective: “Did my team win? How’s my car?”
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. “Get out” and “I never want to see you again” might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, “I love you… I want to marry you… I want to have your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks. [I recognize this as being from Rita Rudner; maybe the rest are, too — IB]
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she’s wearing a jumpsuit.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, shewill assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from hiscloset that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
Men forget everything; women remember everything. That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
From Dick Pierce:
My son Nathaniel was heading home one night when he got pulled over by a local cop. Cop says: “I’ve been waiting all night for people like you.” Nathaniel replies, “Well, I got
here as fast as I could.” Cop told to get the hell out of there
and slow down.
A young man , a current welfare recipient, walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job.”
The man behind the counter replied, “Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You’ll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided.
“Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips.
“The salary package is $200,000 a year.”
The guy said, “You’re bullshitting me man!”
The man behind the counter said, “Well, you started it!”
Late Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said;
“Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
“It just worked for me,” he replied.
The Woodcutter Who Dropped His Ax
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?” The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into the water. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax. “Is this your ax?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. “Is this your ax?” the Lord asked. Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.” The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. “Is this your ax?” the Lord asked. The woodcutter replied, “Yes.” The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happily.
A few days later while he was walking with his wife along the riverbank, the woodcutter’s wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?” “Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!” The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?” the Lord asked. “Yes,” cried the woodcutter. The Lord was furious. “You cheat! That is an untruth!”
The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I said ‘no’ to Jennifer Lopez, You will come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also say ‘no’ to her, You will thirdly come up with my wife, and I will say ‘yes,’ and then all three will be given to me. But Lord, I am a poor man and I will not be able to take care of all three wives, so that’s why I said yes this time.”
The moral of the story is whenever a man lies it is for an honorable anduseful reason.
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