The IRS sends their auditor (a nasty little man) to audit a synagogue.
The auditor is doing all the checks, and then turns to the Rabbi and says, “I noticed that you buy a lot of candles”. “Yes,” answered the Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.”A good question,” noted the Rabbi. “We actually save them up. When we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then, they send us a free box of candles”. “Oh,” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his question actually had a practical answer.
So he thought he’d try another question, in his obnoxious way… “Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?”, “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi calmly, “we actually collect up the crumbs, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then,
they send a free box of matzo balls”. “Oh,” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
“Well, Rabbi,” he went on, “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”, “Yes, here too, we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS “. “To the IRS ?” questioned the auditor in disbelief”, “Ah, yes,” replied the Rabbi, “directly to The IRS …And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you.”
A Pirate Walks Into A Bar
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible”. “What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine”. “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before”. “Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.” The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?” The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?” “Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.” “You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.” “It was my first day with the hook.”
The Italian Poker Club
Seven retired Italian guys in Florida were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue playing, but standing up. At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?”
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle……..don’t make a bad
situation any worse. “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!”
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido’s condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.” “Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife. “I’ll go tell him.”says Pasquale.
On a lark, a man goes to the Super Bowl stadium on the day of the game, to see if he could get a ticket. Amazingly, the clerk said they had a single seat available in the front row on the 50 yard line. “Really?”‘ The man said. “That’s amazing. I’ll buy it!” When he got to his seat, he turned to the man next to him and said “I must be the luckiest guy in the world. I can’t believe this seat was actually available!”
The man sighed and said, “I bought that seat as a surprise gift for my dear, departed wife. But she’s gone now. I’m glad you’re getting the use of it.” “Gosh, my condolences on the loss of your wife”. “Thank you,” the man said. “It’s a shame you couldn’t give the ticket to a friend.” “None of my friends wanted it.” “Really? Couldn’t you get a relative to come join you?” “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy a half head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, “Some ass-hole wants to buy a half head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.” The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?” “Texas, Sir.” the boy replied. “Well, why did you leave Texas?” the manager asked. The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and football players there.” “Really?” said the manager “My wife is from Texas.” “Get outta here!” the boy said. “Who’d she play for?”
With the Christmas coming up, I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some people may choose to risk having a brush with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends at the office.
Well last year I went out with some colleagues and had several drinks followed by some rather nice red Pinot Noir. Feeling decidedly merry I fortunately had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That’s when I did the sensible thing and took a cab home.
As luck would have it there was a police road block on my route home that night, doing spot checks for drink drivers. Fortunately my cab was waived past without incident and I arrived home safe and sound.
Actually this was more of a surprise than you might think because I had never driven a cab before, when I got up the next day I could not even remember where I got it and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.
Ed and Nancy
Ed and Nancy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said,”I guess you can tell I’m very much in love with you. I’d like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut. I play golf; I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that’s going to be a problem for us, you’d better say so now!”
Nancy took a deep breath and responded, “Ed that certainly won’t be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we’re being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I’ve been a hooker.” Ed said, “I bet it’s because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting. ‘What’s up?’ she asks. ‘I think I’m having a heart attack,’ – cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she’s dialing, her four-year-old son comes up And says “Mummy, Mummy! Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on!.” The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband. She rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
‘You rotten bitch’, she screams. ‘My husband’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked, playing hide and seek with the kids!!’
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
“How are you today?” “Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book. “I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked. “First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book. “I’m sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,” she countered. “Do you live around here?” She asked. Yes, I live over in Cape Coral,” he answered, and again he resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest she thought about her pet and persisted, “Do you like pussy cats?” With that, the man dropped his book, came over to herblanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
A Priest and a Rabbi
A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?” The rabbi responded, “Yes, that is still one of our laws.” The priest then asked, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?” The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith” The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes. Finally, the rabbi said, “Beats the shit out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t
* The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII
* We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop
* If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn’t be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers
* Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato
* Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev
* When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow
* Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown
* If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno
* Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton
* Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer
* The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it. ~ P.J. O’Rourke
* I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
* A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan
* Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal
* I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle
* Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson
* Don’t vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown
* There ought to be one day – just one – when there is open season on senators.
A Texas farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40-something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, “Would you like to buy some peaches?” She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, “Are they as firm as this?” He nodded his head and said, “Yes ma’am,” and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, “Are they nice and pink like this?” The farmer said, “Yes,” and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, “Are they as fuzzy as this?” He again said, “Yes,” and broke down crying. The lady asked, “Why on earth are you crying?”
Drying his eyes he replied, “The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I’m gonna get screwed out of my peaches!
Morris died. His will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last attendees left, Morris’s wife Rose turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said,
“Well, I’m sure Morris would be pleased.”
“I’m sure you’re right,” replied Sadie, who leaned in close to her friend and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Tell me, how much did it
“All of it,” said Rose. “Fifty thousand.”
“No!” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but really… $50,000?”
Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500. To the synagogue for the Rabbi’s services. The Shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Sadie computed quickly. “$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?
“Five and a half carats.”
Super Bowl Ticket
On a lark, a man goes to the Super Bowl stadium on the day of the game, to see if he could get a ticket. Amazingly, the clerk said they had a single seat available in the front row on the 50 yard line.
“Really?”‘ The man said. “That’s amazing. I’ll buy it!”
When he got to his seat, he turned to the man next to him and said “I must be the luckiest guy in the world. I can’t believe this seat was actually available!”
The man sighed and said, “I bought that seat as a surprise gift for my dear, departed wife. But she’s gone now. I’m glad you’re getting the use of it.”
“Gosh, my condolences on the loss of your wife”.
“Thank you,” the man said.
“It’s a shame you couldn’t give the ticket to a friend.”
“None of my friends wanted it.”
“Really? Couldn’t you get a relative to come join you? ”
“No, they’re all at the funeral.”
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