Read the manual…
Well, after the big bad wolf had been killed by the woodsman, his cousin, big bad nasty wolf moved into the forest. Grandmother had heard about him and she warned Little Red Riding Hood about staying on the pathwhile walking to her house. One day, Mother prepared freshly baked breadfor Little Red Riding Hood to deliver to Grandmother. On her way, as sheskipped down the path, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out onto the pathand said, “Give me the basket of goodies, or I’m going to pull down yourlittle red panties and f— your little red socks off.” Immediately, LittleRed Riding Hood handed over the basket and took off running. Mother wasvery upset with Little Red Riding Hood for not delivering the basket toGrandmother, even though Little Red Riding Hood didn’t tell Mother whathad happened; she thought she could take care of this herself.She put herfather’s .38 special inside the basket under the new loaf of bread.
So, the next day, while skipping along the pathto Grandmother’s house, the big bad nasty wolf jumped out in front of her and said, “Hand the basket over, or I’m going to pull down your little red panties and f— your little red socks off.” This time though, Little Red Riding Hood pulled out the pistol, pointed it straight at the wolf and replied, “But first, you’re going to eat me, like the book says.”
From a book called, “Wisdom From The Walls,” by Kristen Kammerer and
They compiled some really outstanding graffiti, and here it is:
The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open. * Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL
Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. * Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL
If you can piss this high, join the fire department. On the wall in the men’s restroom at a height of 6 feet. * O’Ryan’s -Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.
Beauty is only a light switch away. * Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
I’ve decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. * Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” it’s “Hi, how are you?” * Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? -The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. * The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. * Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere. * Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married! * Women’s restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. * Revolution Books. New York, New York.
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. * Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn’t it be better if he had invested? *Men’s restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! * Men’s restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.
Express Lane: Five beers or less * Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s. Pheonix, AZ.
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road,making love. He blew his airhorn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they werenot about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped justinches from them.
Getting out of the cab, mader than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in theroad, and yelled, “What the hell’s the matter with you two? Didn’t you hearme blowing the horn? You could’ve been killed!”
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, “Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes.”
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog – Dorothy We’re staying together for the sake of the cats.
It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
Beautify Texas – Put a Yankee on a bus.
Welcome to Texas, now go home.
It’s as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don’t like the news, go out and make some of your own.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.
I is a college student.
Beer isn’t just for breakfast any more.
Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.
Will Rogers never met a lawyer.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law’s face on the back of a milk carton.
It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Don’t steal – The government hates competition.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leap frog with a unicorn.
Cover me – I’m changing lanes.
The weather is here – Wish you were beautiful.
I Cayman went.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad – Are you really bad?
Smile – It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Don’t laugh – Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Geez if you belive in honkus.
Friends don’t let friends drive naked.
Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There’s one in every crowd and they always find me.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When you’re in love, you’re at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think you’ve won the rat race along come faster rats.
If it’s too loud, you’re too old.
Wink – I’ll do the rest.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one blade ofgrass and not fall off the earth.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
Who cares who’s on board?
No radio – Already stolen.
Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
Carls bad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Honk if you love cheeses.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn’t exist. I don’t carewho you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.
So many pedestrians, so little time.
Honk if you’re illiterate.
My kid can beat up your honor student
Fight crime, shoot back
Guns don’t kill people postal workers do.
It’s not how you pick your nose, it’s where you put the boogers.
It’s not how you pick it, but where you flick it
If you don’t like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
My wife’s other car is a broom
Go ahead and honk – I’m reloading
This car is like my husband, if it ain’t yours don’t touch it!
Give Blood Play Hockey
I like cats, they taste just like chicken
Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe
Top Twenty Engineering Definitions
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We’re still guessing…..
2. AN EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED FOR A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids right out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.
4. A MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works okay, but looks very high tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS ASSURED ON DELIVERY
We are so far behind schedule the customer will be happy to get it
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we turned it on.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We’re surprised the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT’S STILL IN PROCESS
It’s so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is hopeless.
10. WE’LL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE READ AND INITIAL
Let’s spread responsibility around for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere
with what we’ve already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can’t wait to hear this baloney…
14. SEE ME, LET’S DISCUSS IT
Come into my office, I’m lonely.
15. ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
Too heavy to lift!
Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
Savings are achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.
A guy is strolling down the street in Chicago where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie. Thegenie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies “I’ve always wanted to be lucky.” The genie grants his wish. So off the guy strolls,wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 dollars on thesidewalk. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a bettingshop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, andsees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at the Meadowlands. Heputs the 10 dollars on the horse to win, and what do you know, the horsebolts in. Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino,fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 dollars on “Luckyseven.” Round and round the wheel spins, and “bang!” – Lucky Seven.Now he’s really flying….what better way to celebrate than to head to thelocal brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing.
He knocks and enters, and as he does so he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne. The madam of the establishment puts her arm around him and says, “Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge.” The guy says that he’s always fancied making it with an Indian girl….so he’s ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the mostgorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothingis strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532) is being welland truly tested. At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl, “Youare one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t believehow lucky I am. But there is one thing I don’t really like about Indian women.I don’t like that red spot that you all have on your forehead.” The Indiangirl looks him in the eye and says, “Sir, I am here to please you and succumbto your every desire. If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch offmy caste mark.” So the guy goes at it with his fingernail. All of a suddenhe leans back and starts killing himself laughing. “What’s wrong, what’swrong?” asks the Indian girl. The guy replies, “You’re never going to believethis, but I’ve just won a car!”
A Gynocologist decides to that he wants to change occupations and be an auto mechanic. So he goes to auto mechanic school. It comes time forthe final exam. He takes the exam and when he gets the test back he’s shocked at the test score he received *200%*, so he goes to talk to the instructor. The instructor tells him he gave him 50% for taking the engine apart correctly, 50% for putting it back together correctly, and an extra 100% for doingit all through the muffler.
FOOD AND HEAVEN
– Submitted by Marilyn Bond
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last tenyears mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When theyreached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which wasdecked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. Asthey “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was goingto cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “what are the green fees?”. Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.” Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. “Howmuch to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This isheaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where arethe low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwingdown his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wifeboth tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old manlooked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’tfor your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”
WHAT PERSONAL ADS REALLY MEAN
– Submitted by Orestes Papazisis
OK everybody, it’s the weekend and many of you may be going out with people you have met from personal ads – whether from the newspapers or from the Web. Well here are guidelines of what those code words in your date’s personal ads really mean. While you’re at it, print this out and bring it on the date. It could be fun 🙂
A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
“WOMEN SEEKING MEN” Classifieds
CODE WORD….. MEANS
Adventurer Has had more partners than you ever will
Average looking You figure this one out
Beautiful Pathological liar
Commitment-minded Pick out curtains, now!
Communication important Just try to get a word in edgewise
Contagious Smile Bring your penicillin
Educated College dropout
Emotionally Secure Medicated
Employed Has part-time job stuffing envelopes at home
Enjoys art and opera Snob
Enjoys Nature Bring your own granola
Exotic Beauty Would frighten a Martian
Feminist A Ball buster
Financially Secure One paycheck from the street
Free spirit Substance abuser
Friendship first Trying to live down reputation as slut
Good Listener Hard to pull a word from her
Intuitive Your opinion doesn’t count
In Transition Needs new sugar-daddy to pay the bills
Light drinker Lush
Looks younger If viewed from far away in bad light
Loves Travel If you’re paying
Loves Animals Cat lady
Mature Will not let you treat her like a farm
animal in bed, like last boyfriend did
New-Age All body hair, all the time
Non-traditional Ex-husband lives in the basement
Poet Depressive Schizophrenic
Redhead Shops on the Clairol aisle
Reubenesque You can figure this one out
Romantic Looks better by candle light
Special Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows
Spiritual Involved with a cult
Tall, thin Anorexic
Weight proportional to You canfigure this one out as well
Wants Soulmate One step away from stalking
Widow Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart How about the rest
A LIST OF ABBREVIATIONS
“MEN SEEKING WOMEN” Classifieds
CODE WORD… MEANS…
40-ish 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Affectionate Needy andlooking for mother-figure
Artist Delicateego badly in need of massage
Athletic Sits on the couch andwatches ESPN
Average looking Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back
Distinguished-looking Too much grey
Educated Will always treat you like an idiot
Employed On management track at Radio Shack
Financially Secure I will spend some money on you,in return
for whichI will expect you to obey my
every whim for the duration of your
Free Spirit Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first As long asfriendship involves nudity
Fun Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking Arrogant bastard
Honest Pathological Liar
Huggable Overweight, more body hair than Gentle Ben
ISO Slim, attractive female Would be better off with a labrador
Light drinker Headed for AA
Like to cuddle Insecure, overly dependent
Like romantic walks on I read Cosmo and think this is what you
the beach want to hear
Mature Until you get to know him
Open-minded Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s
Physically fit I spend a lot of timein front of mirrors
Poet Once wrote on a bathroom stall
Professional Owns a white button down
Reliable Shows up on time–give or take 3 hours
Self-employed Same as for women and eat nachos all
Smart Thinks Cheers is “the wittiest show ever
Spiritual Once went to church with his grandmother
Stable Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful Says “Please” when demanding a beer
Virile Can read3 Penthouse Forums without
Young at heart Pedophile
We take you now to the Oval Office.
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
George: The guy in China.
George: The new leader of China.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should
send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese
food in the Middle East?
RESERVATIONS OF AN AIRLINE AGENT
(After Surviving 130,000 Calls from the Traveling Public)
By: Jonathan Lee-The Washington Post
I work in a central reservation office of an airline company. After more than 130,000 conversations-all ending with “Have a nice day and thanks for calling” — I think it’s fair to say that I’m a survivor.
I’ve made it through all the calls from adults who didn’t know the difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who didn’t trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn’t have to pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to changeclothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she’dhave to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who askedif I’d like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soulof Habeeb.
In five years, I’ve received more than a boot camp education regarding the astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic background, and level of education. My battles haveincluded everything from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the townhe was from, to another not recognizing the name of “Iowa” as being a state,to another who thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly toWest Virginia. They are the enemy and they are everywhere.
In the history of the world there has never been asmuch communication and new things to learn as today. Yet, after askinga woman from New York what city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked “Oh… is it a big place?”
I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in Minneapolis who didn’t know there was more than one cityin the South (“wherever the South is”), a woman in Nashville who asked, “Insteadof paying for my ticket, can I just donate the money to the National CancerSociety?” and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.
I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortlyafter signing on, a man asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I hadbeen shipped off to the front when I was asked, “When an airplane comesin, does that mean it’s arriving or departing?” I remembered the stricttraining we had received — four weeks of regimented classes on airlinecodes, computer technology, and telephone behavior – and it allowed forno means of retaliation. We were told, “it’s real hell out thereand ya got no defense.” You’re going to hear things so silly youcan’t even make ’em up. You’ll try to explain things to your friendsthat you don’t even believe yourself, and just when you think you’ve heardit all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip ticket to Europeby reciting “Mary Had a Little Lamb.”
It wasn’t long before I suffered a direct hit from a woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After assuring her that there was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn’t. Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. “Buffalo!” she said. “I knew it was a big animal!”
Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I’dnever heard of Maconga and we certainly didn’t fly to it. But heinsisted we did and to prove it he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA.
I’ve done nothing during my conversational confrontationsto indicate that I couldn’t understand English. But after quotingthe round-trip fare the passenger just asked for, he’ll always ask: “…Is that one-way?” I never understood why they always question if whatI just gave them is what they just asked for.
But I’ve survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the weary, teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of American cities. I have been told things like: “I can’t go stand-by for your flight because I’m in a wheelchair.” I’ve been asked such questions as: “I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does thatmean the plane sticks to something?” And once a man wanted to go toIllinois. When I asked what city he wanted to go to in Illinois,he said, “Cleveland, Ohio.”
After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I’m a wise old veteran of the communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracywhat the next move by “them” will be. Seventy-five percent won’t haveanything to write on. Half will not have thought about when they’re returning. A third won’t know where they’re going; 10 percent won’t care where they’re going. A few won’t care if they get back. And James will bethe first name of half the men who call.
But even if James doesn’t care if he gets to the city he never heard of; even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to something; even if he can’t spell, pronounce, or remember whatcity he’s returning to, he’ll get there because I’ve worked very hard tomake sure that he can. Then with a click of the phone, he’ll becomea part of my past and I’ll be hoping the next caller at least knows whatday it is.
Oh, and James… “Thanks for calling and have a nice day.”
LINES OF QUESTIONING WORTH QUESTIONING
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given byinsightful witnesses:
1. “Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
2. “The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
3. “Were you present when your picture was taken?”
4. Q: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
Q: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Q: “Did you check for breathing?”
Q: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
Q: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
A: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A: “It is possible that he could have beenalive and practicing law
5. “Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
6. “Did he kill you?”
7. “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
8. “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
9. “How many times have you committed suicide?”
10. Q: “So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
Q: “And what were you doing at that time?”
11. Q: “She had three children, right?”
Q: “How many were boys?”
Q: “Were there any girls?”
12. Q: “You say the stairs went down to the basement?”
Q: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
13. Q: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t
A: “I went to Europe, Sir.”
Q: “And you took your new wife?”
14. Q: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
A: “By death.”
Q: “And by who’s death was it terminated?”
15. Q: “Can you describe the individual?”
A: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Q: “Was this a male, or a female?”
16. Q: “Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?”
A: “No this is how I dress when I go to work.”
17. Q: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A: “All my autopsies areperformed on dead people.”
18. Q: “All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you goto?”
19. Q: “Do you recall the time that you examined the body?”
A: “The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..”
Q: “And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?”
A: “No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing
20. Q: “You were not shot in the fracas?”
A: “No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.”
21. Q: “Are you qualified to give a urine sample?”
A: “I have been since early childhood.”
About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, theJews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one additionto the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowedto talk. The pope agreed.
The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope then waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointedto the ground where he sat. The Pope then pulled out a wafer and a glassof wine. Moishe then pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, “Igive up. This man is Too Good. The Jews can Stay.”
An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said, “First I held up 3 fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one G-d common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to sho him that G-d was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that G-d was also right here with us. Ithen pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that G-d absolves us fromour sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. “What Happened?” they all asked. “Well,” said Moishe. “First he said to methat the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that notone of us was leaving. Then he told me that the whole city would becleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.”
“And then?” asked a woman.
“I don’t know,” said Moishe. “He then took out his lunch and I took out mine.”
The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Workers Jewish Holiday Wasn’t Strictly Observed…..
15. Telltale mouse ears on his new “Yarmulke”.
14. Sun worshipping appears to be the only thing accomplishedthat was even remotely religious.
13. Thinks that the “Torah” is something you wear to a frat party.
12. Comes back wearing a “Club Med: The Sea may be Dead, but the Night-life isn’t.”
11. You happen to know there are no High Holy Day services atSanta Anita Racetrack.
10. Kareem in Accounting keeps calling it “Yom Shakur.”
9. As far as you know, circumcisions don’t “grow back”.
8. Doesn’t know the difference between Hebrew and Home-brew.
7. She’s complaining that Kathie Lee isn’t really on all Carnival Cruises.
6. Claims he was observing “Chaka Khan.”
5. Menorah on his desk displays 3 sleeves worth of golf balls.
4. Thinks “Rosh Hashanah” is a song by “The Knack”.
3. His yarmulke has two cans of beer and a drinking straw.
2. “And if the rabbi sees his shadow when he comes out of temple, there’ll be 4 more months of summer.”
And the #1 Sign Your Co-Workers Jewish Holiday Wasn’t Strictly Observed….
1. Took off all of LAST month for Ramadan.
Boris, Bill and Bibi have good news and bad news from God.
God, having decided to destroy the world, reveals His intention to 3 world leaders:
Boris Yeltsin and
Boris Yeltsin, in an address to the Russian people, said: “I have bad news and more bad news. First of all, in contrast to what wehave been taught to believe, God does exist. He appeared to me andspoke to me. Secondly, He intends to destroy the world.”
At the same time, in an address to the American People, Bill Clinton said: “There’s good news and bad news. First of all, as we have been taught to believe, God exists; he appeared to me and spoke to me. The bad news is that He intends to destroy the world.”
At the same time, in an address to the Israeli people, Bibi Netanyahu said, “There’s good news and more good news. First of all, as we havebeen taught to believe, God exists; He appeared to me and spoke tome. Furthermore, based on what He said to me, I can assure you that a Palestinian state will NOT be established.”
Yeshiva University decided to field a crew team. Unfortunaely, they lost race after race. They practiced for hours every day, but never managed to come in any better than dead last.
The Rosh Yeshiva finally decided to send Yankel to spy on the Harvard team. So Yankel shlepped off to Cambridge and hid in the bullrushes off the Charles River, from where he carefully watched the Harvard teamas they practiced.
Yankel finally returned to Yeshiva. “I have figured out theirsecret,” he announced. “They have eight guys ROWING and only ONE guy shouting.”
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