Church Entrance Exam
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.” The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?” The old manreplies, “No problem at all, Pastor.” “Congratulations! Welcome tothe church.” said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle agedcouple and asks, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for thetwo weeks?” The man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The secondweek I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes wemade it.” “Congratulations! Welcome to the church.” said the pastor. The pastorthen goes to the newlywed couple and asks, ‘Well, were you able to abstainfrom sex for two weeks?”
“Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks” the young man replied. “What Happened?” inquired the pastor. “My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.” “You understand, of course, this means youwill not be welcome in our church.” Stated the pastor. “That’s OK.”Said the young man, “We’re not welcome at Safeway anymore either.
If I ever become an Evil Overlord
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies’ predicatment before killing them.
7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks,”Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?” My reply will be, “No, just sensible.”
8. When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No,”and shoot him.
9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled “Danger: Do Not Push”.
11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me — I’ll do it myself.
12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum — a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
14. I will not waste time making my enemy’s death look like an accident — I’m not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn’t believe it.
15. I will make it clear that I _do_ know the meaning of the word “mercy”; I simply choose not show them any.
16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected beforeimplementation.
17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well asany accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after theaforementioned disposal.
18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.
19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to active when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he’s caused.
22. I will never utter the sentence “But before I kill you, there’s just one thing I want to know.”
23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
Tele-Communications Inc., the nation’s largest cable television company, is in talks to launch a unique pilot project in conjunction with Pacific Gas & Electric Co. and Microsoft Corp. to design a “smart home.” The home automation industry is expected to triple in size, from $1.7 billionthis year to more than $5.1 billion by the year 2000.
November 28, 1995 Moved in at last. Finally, we live in the smartest house in the neighborhood. Everything’s networked. The cable TV is connected to our phone, which is connected to my personal computer, which is connected to the power lines, all the appliances and the security system. Everything runs off a universal remote with the friendliest interface I’ve ever used. Programming is a snap. I’m, like, totally wired.
November 30 Hot stuff! Programmed myVCR from the office, turned up the thermostat and switched onthe lights with the car phone, remotely tweaked the oven a few degreesfor my pizza. Everything nice and cozy when I arrived. Maybe I should get the universal remote surgically attached.
December 3 Yesterday, the kitchen crashed. Freak event. As I opened the refrigerator door, the light bulb blew. Immediately, everything else electrical shutdown- – lights, microwave, coffee maker – everything. Carefully unplugged and replugged all the appliances. Nothing. Called the cable company (but not from the kitchen phone). They refer me to the utility. The utility insists the problem was in the software. So the software company runs some remote telediagnostics via my house processor. Their expert system claims it has tobe the utility’s fault. I don’t care, I just want my kitchen back.More phone calls; more remote diagnostics. Turns out the problemwas “unanticipated failure mode” – the network had never seen a refrigerator bulb failure while the door was open. So the fuzzy logic interpreted the burnout as a power surge and shut down the entire kitchen. But because sensor memory confirmed that there hadn’t actually been a power surge, the kitchen’s logic sequence was confused so it couldn’t do a standard restart. The utility guy swears this was the first time thishas ever happened. Rebooting the kitchen took over an hour.
December 7 The police are not happy. Our house keeps calling them for help. We discover that whenever we play the TV or stereo above 25 decibels, it creates patterns of micro-vibrations that get amplified when they hit the window. When these vibrations mix with a gust of wind, the security sensors are actuated, andthe police computer concludes that someone is trying to break in.Go figure. Another glitch: Whenever the basement is in self-diagnosticmode, the universal remote won’t let me change the channels on myTV. That means I actually have to get up off the couch and change thechannels by hand. The software and the utility people say this flawwill be fixed in the next upgrade- SmartHouse 2.1. But it’s not readyyet.
December 12 This is a nightmare. There’s a virus in the house. My personal computer caught it while browsing on the public access network. I come home and the living room isa sauna, the bedroom windows are covered with ice, the refrigerator has defrosted, the washing machine has flooded the basement, the garagedoor is cycling up and down, and the TV is stuck on the home shopping channel. Throughout the house, lights flicker like stroboscopes until they explode from the strain. Broken glass is everywhere. Of course, the security sensors detect nothing. I look at a message slowly throbbingon my personal computer screen: “Welcome to HomeWrecker!!! Now the Fun Begins … (Be it ever so humble, there’s no virus like HomeWrecker … )” I get out of the house. Fast.
December 18 They think they’ve digitally disinfected the house, but the place is a shambles. Pipes have burst and we’re not completely sure we’ve got the part of the virus that attacks toilets. Nevertheless, the Exorcists (as the anti-virus SWAT members like to call themselves) are confident the worst is over. “HomeWrecker is pretty bad,” one tells me, “but consider yourself lucky you didn’t get PolterGeist. That one is really evil.”
December 19 Apparently, our house isn’t insured for viruses. “Fires and mudslides, yes,” says the claims adjuster. “Viruses, no.” My agreement with the SmartHouse people explicitly states that all claims and warranties are null and void if any appliance or computer in my house networks in any way, shape or form with a noncertified on-line service. Everybody’svery, very sorry, but they can’t be expected to anticipate every virus that might be created. We call our lawyer. He laughs. He’sexcited.
December 21 I get a call from a SmartHouse sales rep. As a special holiday offer, we get the free opportunity to become a beta site for the company’s new SmartHouse 2.1 upgrade. He says I’ll be able to meet the programmers personally. “Sure,” I tell him.
above written by: Aamir A. Rashid, The Open Group, Research Institute, Research Engineer, Eleven Cambridge Center, Cambridge, MA 02142
Personnel Department Placement Test
What is a human resource? Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement. Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see whatthey aredoing. If they have taken the table apart in that time, put themin Engineering. If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,assign them to Finance. If they are screaming and waving theirarms, send them off to Manufacturing. If they are talkingto the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them. If theyare sleeping, they are Management material. If they are writingup the experience, send them to Tech Pubs. If they don’t even look upwhen you enter the room, assign them to Security. If they tryto tell you it’s not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing. And if they’ve left early, put them in Sales.
Dumb Things People Wish They Hadn’t Said
“I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law”
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
“They gave me a book of checks. They didn’t ask for any deposits.”
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank Scandal.
“He didn’t say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech.”
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn’t following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.
“It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with theirheads in a nodding position.”
John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.
“I didn’t accept it. I received it.”
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.
“I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying.”
Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.
“I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes.”
President Richard Nixon
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate.”
Vice-President Dan Quayle
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.”
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
“Sure, it’s going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway.”
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.
“Are you any relation to your brother Marv?”
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator.
“Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January1, 1976.”
Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history… this century’s history…. We all lived in this century. I didn’t livein this century.”
Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.
“In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent…”
John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary “American Scholar”.
“Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.”
Chicago Rotary Club journal, “Gyrator”.
“The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.” Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.
“I’ve always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.”
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining whywe should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.
“The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President;hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector.”
Knight Rider News Service dispatch
“After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointmentof David Steele to the post.”
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island.
“The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.”
Dizzy Dean, explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by aball in the 1934 World Series.
Ten Myths Perpetrated by American Movies
#1. The entire population of France speaks fluent, charming English.
#2. A six-shooter holds 18 bullets.
#3. Breathtaking women regularly work as juke joint waitresses, dog walkers, supermarket cashiers, pump jockeys, and police detectives. #4. Any injury suffered in a bar fight (including extracted teeth) takes no more than six minutes to heal.
#5. All priests are musical.
#6. Convenient parking spaces are readily available in major American cities any time of day or night.
#7. Men can spend weeks on a raft or in a desert and never grow more than a two day stubble of beard.
#8. Anyone can down six or seven shots of straight whiskey and then get a gun out of a holster.
#9. Dogs, horses, whales and pigs sport senses of humor that rival Noel Coward’s.
#10. Money doesn’t matter. written by Joe Bailey, New York City
HARVARD INTERDISCIPLINARY STUDIES FINAL EXAM
COMPUTER SCIENCE: Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using that language, write a program to dothe rest of this examination.
HISTORY: Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia,and Africa. Be concise and specific.
ELECTRICAL ENGINEERING: You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a wiring diagram. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correctit before a meltdown begins.
MEDICINE: You will be provided with a Swiss Army knife, some gauze, a needle and thread, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.
PUBLIC SPEAKING: 2500 torch-bearing Pro-Life crazies are storming the clinic. Calm them while performing an abortion.
BIOLOGY: Create life. Estimate the differences in our culture if this life form had developed 500,000 years earlier, with special attention to the probable effect, if any, on the Snail Darter.
CIVIL ENGINEERING: By inter-weaving toothpicks, build a platform that will support your weight when suspended over a vat of concentrated sulfuric acid. Field-test the platform under the conditions for which it was designed.
MUSIC: Write a piano concerto blending the styles of early J. S. Bach and late Igor Stravinsky that could win a competition judged by Josef Stalin and John Cage. Orchestrate it as Ravel might have. Perform the solo part. You will find a piano under your seat.
PSYCHOLOGY: Based on your knowledge of their writings, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of Alexander of Aphrodisias, Ramses II, and Gregoryof Nicea. Support your evaluationwith untranslated quotations fromtheir work.
CHEMISTRY: A poison is in one beaker on your laboratory table; its antidote is in an identical one. Analyze them, determine which is which, and drink them. Note: if the wrong beaker is drunk first, you will die.
SOCIOLOGY: Estimate the sociological problems associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your answer using double-blind methodology.
MECHANICAL ENGINEERING: The disassembled parts of an automatic pistol are in a box on your desk along with an instruction manual printed in Machine Language. In ten minutes a starved tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel appropriate.Cite provisions of the National Building Code to justify your action.
ECONOMICS: Describe and contrast the effects of interlocking directorates (be specific) and child-labor laws on the causes of the Great Depression of the 1930s.
MATHEMATICS: Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using a straightedge, a compass, and a pencil. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in 1920, 1960, and this year.
POLITICAL SCIENCE: There is a red telephone on your desk. Start and end World War III. Describe its socio-political effects onBurma.
RELIGION: Using only rational discourse and three diagrams, convert the Muslim Palestinian provided you to Judaism.
ART: Given crayons and a ream of paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel with particular regard for color accuracy.
PHYSICS: Choose one: Explain the nature of matter; evaluate in depth the impact of mathematics on science; derive the equations for anti-gravity; invent and build a magnet that attracts wood.
METAPHYSICS: Describe in detail the probable nature of life before conception and after death. Test your hypothesis.
PHILOSOPHY: Trace the development of the major and minor western and eastern moral theories and discuss the impact on free willeach has had. Discuss it a second time from a contrary viewpoint.Discuss it a third time from a contradictory viewpoint. Using Aristotelianlogic, prove each view point to be unassailable.
GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Write a critique on the sum total of general knowledge point by point.
EXTRA CREDIT: Define a universe, and contrast two in detail.
A true story.
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof. Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Lawor some variant. One student, however wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and peopledo not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all peopleand all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law statesthat in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which soulsenter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increaseuntil all hell breaks loose. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature andpressure will drop until hell freezes over.
It was not revealed what grade the student got.
Politics and cows
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you a glass of milk.
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighborsbicker about who has the most “ability” and who has the most “need”. Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the “free” market.
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
You have two cows.Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms
accounting for the missing cows.
You don’t have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don’t have any cows to put up as collateral.
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price oryour neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help oftrilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every dayby a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before itseyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely sprainingan udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contractto endorse Wheaties. The chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot byChinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it.McDonald’s buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.
1. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
— Franklin P. Jones
2. Women’s creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first
time, you can walk on them for 20 years.
3. Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
— Woody Allen
4. Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of Those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
5. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
6. All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should Have been more specific.
— Jane Wagner
7. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, Involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus Controls the “Four F’s”: 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4.mating.
— Psychology professor in neurophysiology intro course
8. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
— Oscar Wilde
9. What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit,
To do the unnecessary.
— Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
10. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
— A. Whitney Brown
11. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again.
— F. P. Jones
12. Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
— Douglas Adams
13. As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important that you understand what I’m doing or whyyou’re paying me so much money. What’s important is that you continueto do so.
— Hunter S. Thompson’s Samoan Attorney
14. Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, itmay have a meaning of which I disapprove.
— Ashleigh Brilliant
There was this male engineer, on a cruise ship in the Caribbeanfor the first time. It was wonderful, the experience of his life. He was being waited on hand an foot. But, it did not last. A hurricane cameup unexpectedly. The ship went down almost instantly.
The man found himself, he knew not how, swept up on the shore of an island. There was nothing else anywhere to be seen. No person, no supplies, nothing. The man looked around. There were some bananas and coconuts, but that was it. He was desperate, and forlorn, but decided to make the bestof it. So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice andmostly looked to the seamightily for a ship to come to his rescue.
One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement out ofthe corner of his eye. Could it be true, was it a ship? No, fromaround the corner of the island came thisrowboat. In it was themost gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at leastseen in 4 months.She was tall, tanned, and her blond hair flowing in thesea breeze gaveher an almost ethereal quality. She spotted him also ashewasaving and yelling and screaming to get her attention. She rowed her boattowardshim.
In disbelief, he asked, “Where did you come from? How did you get here”? She said, “I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed onthis island when my cruise ship sank” “Amazing,” he said, “I didn’t knowanyone else had survived. Howmany of you are there? Where, did you get therowboat? You musthave been really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you?”
“It is only me,”she said, “and the rowboat didn’t wash up, nothing else did.” “Well then,” said the man,”how did you get the rowboat?” “I made the rowboat out of raw materialthat I found on the island,” replied the woman. “The oarswere whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove the bottom from Palmbranches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree”.
“But, but,” asked the man, “what about tools and hardware, how did you do that?” “Oh, no problem,” replied the woman, “on the south side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. Ifound that if I fired it to a certain temperature in mykiln, it meltedinto forgeable ductile iron. I sed that for tools, and used the toolsto make the hardware. But, enough of that,” she said.”Where do you live?”
At last the man was forced to confess that he had been sleepingon the beach. “Well, let’s row overto my place,” she said. So theyboth got into the rowboatand left for her side of island. The woman easily rowed them aroundto a wharf that led to the approach to her place.She tied up the rowboatwith a beautifully woven hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk
and around a palm tree, there stood an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.
“It’s not much,” she said, “but I call it home. Sit down please, would you like to have a drink?” “No,” saidthe man, “one more coconut juice and I will puke.” “It won’t be coconut juice,” the woman replied, “I have a still, how about a Pina Colada?” Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.
After a while, and they had exchanged their stories, the woman asked, “Tell me, have you always had a beard?” “No,” the man replied, “I was clean shaven all of my life, and even on the cruise ship.” “Well if you wouldlike to shave, there is a man’s razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.” So, theman, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs to the bath room.There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle, two shellshoned to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. The man shaved, showered and went back down stairs.
“You look great,” said the woman, “I think I will go up and slip into something more comfortable.” So shedid. And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada. After ashort time, the woman returned wearing fig leafs strategically positionedand smelling faintly of gardenia. “Tell me,” she asked, “we have bothbeen out here for a very long time with no companionship. You know whatI mean. Have you been lonely, is there anything that you really miss?Something that all men and women need. Something that it would be really nice to have right now.”
“Yes there is,” the man replied, as he moved closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze upon her. “Tell me … Do you happen to have anInternet connection?”
IDEAS FOR THE WORKPLACE
Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document. Insist that your e-mailaddress is firstname.lastname@example.org”
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them tosign a waiver
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.
Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and referto them only by these names: “That’s a good point Sparky.”; “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me I’ll be in the bathroom.”
No matter what anyone asks you, reply “Okay.”
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.
Talk into your daytimer.
Email nude gifs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers. Tell them you got them off the Internet.
While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive.”
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.Try to pass them off as your children. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc… in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none… Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”
THE COSTUME PARTY
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, butshe argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed,and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. Sohe took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little fun. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know Inever have a good time when you’re not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dancemuch?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even dancedone dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I’ll tell you…the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”
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