THANK YOU FOR CALLING THE MENTAL HEALTH HOT LINE
If you are obsessive/compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you are a multiple personality, press 3, 4, 5, 6.
If you are paranoid and delusional, we already know what you want and who you are. Just stay on the line while we trace your call.
If you are schizophrenic please hold, and a little voice will tell you what to press.
If you are depressed it probably doesn’t matter what you press, it won’t do you any good anyway…
Two Writers and an Editor
Two writers and an editor were dragging themselves across an endless desert, when suddently they spied a green oasis. Mirage? No! As soon as they reached it, the writers stripped off their clothes and started frolicking in the pond. Suddenly, they noticed the editor standing on the bank, peeing into the water.
“What are you DOING!?” they asked. And he replied: “I’m making it better.”
This one from Ivan Berger’s collection (now you know who to blame)
I just read that the Pentagon purchased washers the size of nickels from Lockheed for $230 each… Coincidentally, it’s tax time, and I seem to owe quite a bit of money… Enclosed please find six lugnuts. You can keep the change.
Heaven and Hell
Do you know the difference between heaven and hell?
In heaven all the cooks are French, the mechanics are German, all the lovers are Italian, and everything is run by the Swiss.
In hell, all the mechanics are French, all the lovers are Swiss, the cooks are English, and everything is run by theItalians.
(I don’t know the source of this one. Hope it hasn’t offended anyone, either. If anyone has something to add about Americans (United States), then we’ll cookup an addition to this joke)
PC versus Mac
From Rec.Humor.Funny 2/22/95
Sorry I lost the writer of this cute one…
Q: Why is it that Mac can read DOS disks, run DOS software,etc., but IBM machines can’t handle Mac stuff?
A: Well it’s normal for a system to be downwardly compatible.
Mabel and Ethel
Mabel and Ethel were walking down the street one day, when Ethel spied a frog sitting on the sidewalk. “Helpme, help me!” the frog said, “I used to be a jazz saxaphonist, butan evil witch turned me into a frog. The only way to break the spellis to kiss me. Help me, help me!”
So Ethel picked the frog up, put it in her pocketbook, and they continued to walk along.
Shortly, the frog popped out of Ethel’s pocketbook,and repeated (in its inimitable way), “Help me, help me! I usedto be a jazz saxaphonist, but an evil witch turned me into a frog.The only way to break the spell is to kiss me. Help me, help me!”
Ethel picked the frog up, put it back in her pocketbook, and they continued to walk along. “Why’d you do that?” asked Mabel. “Why didn’t you kiss the frog and break the evil spell?” “Frankly,” replied Ethel, “you can make a hell of a lot more money with a talking frog than with a jazz saxaphonist!”
Love is Blind…
A blind rabbit met a blind snake in theforest. The rabbit told the snake, “I don’t know what I am. Couldyou please feel me and tell me what I am?” So the snake felt the rabbit,”You’ve got soft fur, a cottony tail, and big ears…you must be arabbit. Now could you do the same for me? I don’t know what I am, either.”
The rabbit felt the snake. “You’ve got slimy skin, a long tail, and no ears. You must be a record producer!”
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates
Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and BillGates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were sobad he told the 3 that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though that no matter whatthey did he was *not* changing his mind. So…
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff… I have good news and badnews for you. First the good news…. there *is* a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days.
Boris went back and told his staff that he had BAD news and more BAD news. The first was… there *is* a God… the second was that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.
Bill Gates went back and told his staff… I haveGOOD news and more GOOD news… first… God thinks I am one of the 3 most important people in the world. The second is… we don’t have to fix the bugs in Windows95!
Music Related One-Liners
Why did the producer cross the road?
Cuz that’s the way the Beatles did it, man.
How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
I dunno… what do *you* think?
What’s the difference between a dressmaker and a viola player?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
How do you know there’s a drummer at your door?
The knocking speeds up.
How do you know there’s a singer at your door?
He doesn’t know when to come in.
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to do it and ten to stand around and say “I cando that”.
A Hundred Computer Related One-Liners
WARNING: No user serviceable characters in these taglines.
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NOCARRIER
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
My computer isn’t that nervous…it’s just a bit ANSI.
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
My computer’s sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
Gotta run, the cat’s caught in the printer.
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Hex dump: Where witches put used curses…
Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India.
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once…
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts…
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk…
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes…
Terminal glare: A look that kills…
Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes…
ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII…
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Mommy! The cursor’s winking at me!
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Capt’n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
C:BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
“Mr. Worf, scan that ship.” “Aye, Captain… 300 DPI?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2
“!sgub evah t’nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW”
“E=Mc^5…nahhh…E=Mc^4…nahh…E=Mc^3…ah, the hell with it.”
“Today’s subliminal thought is:”
‘Profanity: the universal programming language’
‘Calm down — it’s only ones and zeros.’
‘…. now touch these wires to your tongue!’
Computer analyst to programmer: “You start coding. I’ll go find out what
LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.
Computer Science: solving today’s problems tomorrow.
It said, “Insert disk #3,” but only two will fit!
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
Computers are only human.
Was that your wife I saw in that GIF?
I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!
If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand
words, how dangerous is a FAX? …… About 85% of a GIF.
This time it will surely run.
I just found the last bug.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
-Robert R. Coveyou Oak Ridge National Laboratory
It’s redundant! It’s redundant! -R. E. Dundant
Bug? That’s not a bug, that’s a feature. -T. John Wendel
The programmer’s national anthem is ‘AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH’. -Weinberg, p.152
Stack manipulation – the use of inflatable falsies.-Datamazing, 4/1/78
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button
I write all my critical routines in assembler, and my comedy routines in
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the
process of putting them in. -Dykstra
“#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) – Shakespeare.”
“Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE”
May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
I’m a modemer and I’m OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.
I modem, but they grew back.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence…
Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
Do you like me for my brain or my baud?
If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can’t be fixed…
Memory dump: Amnesia…
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro…
Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds…
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory…
WOMEN.ZIP: A great program, but it doesn’t come with documentation…
WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses…
29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.
SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel.
This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
>From C:*.* to shining C:*.*
Nice computers don’t go down.
Resistance is useless! (If AAAAAA – American Association Against Acronym
Me and my two friends… GIF and Wesson.
I’m not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes.
CCITT – Can’t Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
Justify my text? I’m sorry but it has no excuse.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
[If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses]
grep..grep..grep… (Frog with UNIX stuck in its’ throat)
“Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?”
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
My Go this amn keyboar oesn’t have any ‘s.
My computer NEVER cras
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
The world’s coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
“The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format.” CCCP:>
format CCCP: /u
The Really Hard Questions In Life
Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor, when you can’t legally drink and drive?
Does the Postmaster General need a stamp of approval?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
What if there were no rhetorical questions?
LETTERMAN’S TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE, BUT AREN’T
10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before you leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!
5. Hmmmmm…..I think it’s out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It’s an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you’ll be getting off today? AND NUMBER 1 IS…
1. Its not fair…I do all the work while he just sits there!
FOR WOMEN ONLY
TO BE USED FOR “MEDICAL” PURPOSES ON THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU ARE NOT EXACTLY OVERJOYED WITH YOUR PARTNER IN LIFE How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know, it’s never happened.
How are men and parking spots alike?
All the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicapped.
What’s a man’s idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
What did God say after creating man?
“I can do better.”
If men got pregnant, abortions would be available atconvenience stores and drive-through windows.
Why do men name their penises?
Because they want to be on a first name basis with the person who makes all the decisions.
Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
Why do men like masturbation?
It’s sex with someone they love.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they wouldn’t hump women’s legs at cocktail parties.
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
What’s the difference between a man and a catfish?
One is a bottom feeding scum sucker and the other one is a fish.
What do you have when you hold two balls in your hand?
A man’s undivided attention.
Why are men like laxatives?
They irritate the shit out of you.
What’s a man’s view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort laundry?
“Filthy,” and “Filthy but wearable.”
What do you call a man who understands a little bit about women?
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