Articles and Demo's
Humor Part 1
A story came to me, and it reminds me that communication still is a global challenge. You might think that your message is clear, but an ever so fine deviation, can completely change the meaning of your message.
A young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Harrods and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister at the same time purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. Barry P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Penalties for Bass Infractions
NAME OF OFFENDER (Bass Player)_______________________
Playing loudly during warm up $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping $25
Loud cursing after mistake $10
Playing high and fast after mistake $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes $20
Asking for "E" tuning note $25
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb $50
Playing written-out walking line $50
Failure to play written walking line $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures $50
Playing eighth notes $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes $10 each
Playing above 1st octave immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo $75
Dragging ballad tempo $100
Blacking out during ballad $200
Ignoring drummer's tempo $100
Following drummer's tempo $250
Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me $1000
Showing up before first downbeat $25
Playing audibly $25
Faking changes $25
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass $25
Excessive sweating $25
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo $50
Asking leader for a solo $30
Accepting solo when offered $50
Taking second chorus $100
Playing solo arco $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune $100
Playing "A Train" ending on every tune $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune $500
Checking hair between tunes $15
Experimenting with odd meters $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill $25
Playing with a pick $50
Tuning during ballad $30
Playing Jaco groove on samba $75
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad $150
Attempting last word on final chord $50
Achieving last word on final chord $100
Long gliss down to final note $200
EQUIPMENT VIOLATIONS - ELECTRIC
Forgetting strap $10
Changing strings after every set $15
Using electric tuner $15
Setting up mic "just in case" $75
Forgetting to turn amp on $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip $50
Asking horn player for help moving amp $25
Bringing custom-made bass $100 per string above 4
Bringing more than 1 bass $100 per extra bass
Skull decals on bass $150
Bringing fretless bass $500
CRIMINAL BAD TASTE
Telling bone player about all the gigs you get $10
Asking bone player about their day gig $10
Sitting behind drums on break $10
Quoting "Birdland" $25
Practicing scales during break $25
Practicing scales during drum solo $50
Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player..." $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" $100
Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt $10
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt $20
Asking when the rock set starts $20
Continually asking "where are we?" $25
Continually shouting "Yeah!" $25
Asking bone player where "1" is $50
Taking cell phone call during 4's $100
The New Pope's Ritual with the Chief Rabbi
Every time a new pope is elected, there's a whole lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, there's one tradition that very few people know about. Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He isshown into the pope's presence, where upon he presents him with a silvertray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope. The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection. The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected.
John Paul II was intrigued with this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection. But, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back. "My brother," the holy father whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?" The chief rabbi shrugs and replies: "but we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the mists of ancient history." The pope said: "let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret." The chief rabbi agreed.
Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it. They both gasped with shock. It was the check for the last supper.
A True Story from Alan Kefauver. How he avoids industry sharks who do telephone solicitation.
Part of my son's allowance is based on his job as phone answerer after 5:00. He loves to chat up the salesmen. He's 8. He tries to act like an adult, appears interested, then when they try to close the sale he says, "I don't have any money, I'm 8." After realizing they have wasted time talking to an 8 year old, they never call back.
Alan P. Kefauver, Director
Recording Arts and Sciences
Peabody Institute of The Johns Hopkins University
Market ResearchA market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was "yes". Asked how she used it, she said "to assist sexual intercourse."
The interviewer was amazed. He said, "I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gatehinge; but I know that most use it for sexual intercourse. Since you'vebeen so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?" "Yes, we put iton the doorknob to keep the kids out."
Lawyer #1: The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. A local volunteer calls to solicit his donation, saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity! Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way?" The lawyer thinks for a moment and says: "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh, no." "Secondly, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology but is cut off. "Thirdly, that my sister's husband died in a dreadful traffic accident," the lawyersvoice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with a mortgage andthree children?" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says simply, "I had no idea." The lawyer then says, "Well then ... and ifI don't give any money to THEM, why should I give any to you?"Lawyer #2: "The Dying Man's Wish"
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "they say you can't take it with you. But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something. They each agree to carry out his wish.Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.
After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't been able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."At this the priest says, "I, too, have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as our friend requested."Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."
Translation Guide to a Recording
Session Musician to engineer. "Could we have more band in the phones?"
Translation: "The singer is too f**king loud in the phones !
"Singer to engineer: "I can't hear myself.
"Translation. "I don't want to hear anyone but myself.
"Musician to guitarist: "Can you hear yourself okay?
"Translation: "You're too f**king loud in the phones !"
Bassist to band. "Can everybody hear the drums?"
Translation: "This band is swinging like a broken record !
"Drummer to bassist: "Can you hear the kick drum?"
Translation: "We're not locking..... !!
Bassist to producer: "Could we have more steel/fiddle/accordion in the phones?"
Translation: "I will punish the band for rushing."
Musician to producer: "Could we have more piano in the phones?"
Translation: "Your artist can't sing in tune.
"Musician to writer: "This song has nice changes.
"Translation. "It's amazing what you can do with two chords.
"Musician to producer or artist: "This song sounds like a hit.
Translation: "This song sounds like another song."
Producer to band: "It's a feel thing."
Translation: "I know the song sucks, but the artist wroteit."
Musician to producer: "I don't think we'll beat the magic of that first take."
Translation: "Please don't make us play this piece of s**t again."
Drummer to band: "Should we speed up the tempo a couple of clicks?"
Translation: "Do you all intend to keep rushing?
Musician: "Could we listen to one in the control room?"
Translation: "The way these phones sound, we might as well be listening to Radio Free Europe."
Producer to band: "Let's take a break and come back and try one more."
Translation: "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown."
Musician to producer- "Were we booked for two sessions today?"
Translation: "Another three hours of this and I may have to kill you."
Producer to band: "We're supposed to be done at six, but we've got only one more tune and I was wondering if we could skip our dinner break and work straight through."
Translation: "You'll be done at nine, and you'll be hungry."
Artist to producer: "I don't like this song; it really sucks.
"Translation: "I didn't write this song."
Producer to artist: "Trust me. It is a good song. Radio will love it."
Translation: "F**k you, I own the publishing on this song.
Singer to musician: "Can you play something like (so-and-so) would play?"
Translation: "I really wanted (so-and-so) on this record."
I really wish this happened...
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of driving-under-the-influence laws. Watching from his squad car, he saw a fellow stumble out the door, trip on the curb and try 15 cars before finding his own and promptly falling asleep in the frontseat. As the evening progressed, the owners of other cars left the bar and drove away. Finally, the sleeper awakened, started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer pounced, waved him to a halt and administered a Breathalyzer test. The results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.
The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."
Who Designed the Human Body?
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.'' Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.'' The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
A Priest, A Lawyer, and an Engineer
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime; he is set free, too. They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem......"
America Offline, Inc.
|Free Software Helps You Get Offline in 5 Easy Steps!
Every day you hear more and more people talking about it. You hear about it at work, in restaurants, even on the bus. More and more Americans are discovering how much more time theyhave, how much easier it is to manage their money, and personal andbusiness relationships when they do it offline.
Our free software includes utilities to seek outand destroy all remnants of communications software on your computer (also works over a network). It even removes that peskylittle winsock.dll from your hard drive once and for all! Saygood-bye to theWorld Wide Web and hello to the friends and familyyou forgot you had! Our software, once run, remains memory-resident,and like a background virus checker, protects your computerfrom re-installation of telecommunications software.
Here's how the program works:
1. First you run the good-bye letter generation program which automatically logs you into all your favorite online services and posts good-bye notes to the news groups and message areas of your choice. It encourages people to call or even writeyou if they want to talk to you, and lets them know that you'regoing to be okay, but that you're just going offline. (It even logs you into your favorite chat areas and makes witty parting comments, and leaves requests with systems administrators to cancel your account.)
2. Our program recognizes every version ofevery known communications software package for DOS, Windows,Windows 95, Windows NT, OS/2 and Unix, (and there's even a special version for you Mac Users.) It will remove all of these programs andoverwrite your hard drive with null strings so they can't beundeleted. And just so you don't try to sneak in through a back doorlike an automated checkpayment window through a program likeQuicken, our software also removes the serial communications abilities of all financial software and related software.
3. Hardware reconfiguration. Our software alters your system configuration so that no device which even remotely resembles a modem will ever work on your computer again. It installs a "listening program" as a permanent TST so that even if your computer encounters a modem tone over a network, your computer will immediately reboot, thereby keeping you effectively offline, even in a network environment.
4. Hardware destruction. The next step is to destroy your modems. This is best done with a hammer. We recommenda hammer because we know you will start to feelin that destructive release the first real joy of your new life offline.With each crushing blow, we encourage you to think of the countless hours you've wasted, the completely irrelevant information you have gathered, and the many people who completely mis-represented themselves to you when you were online.
5. Finally, our software brings you a brief lesson on meditation to help you begin to relax without being online. It also includes a list of things that you can do offline, like feeding your cat that you forgot you had, watering the plants, doing the dishes, seeing your friends in person, writing notes on pieces of paper, calling your parents on their birthday insteadof sending e-mail. The list includes more than 1,000 offlineliving tips. We're sure you'll agree that this software isthe best of its kind for getting offline quickly and staying this way.
To get your free software, please send a hand-written note to America Offline, Inc., 4578 Chestnut Drive, Emporia, KA 83903. And please include a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Please specify your operating system and 3.5 or 5.25 inch disks.
Note: Our software is not available on CD ROM, we do not have a support BBS or a Web page or even a fax machine.
OUR SOFTWARE IS NOT AVAILABLE ONLINE. UPLOADING IT IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN!
Top Ten Reasons: "Men Prefer Computers to Women"
10.) Computers have "help" text when you get confused.
9.) When you get tired of a computer, you can shut it off.
8.) Your friends will always tell you, you could have abetter one.
7.) Booting is not a punishable offense.
6.) You can get upgrades without going to a plastic surgeon.
5.) "Cheap" and "Fast" are good attributes in a computer.
4.) Nobody stares if you finger a computer in your office.
3.) A computer doesn't get mad if you play with someoneelse's computer.
2.) It only takes a couple of seconds to turn one on.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON..........
1.) Computers will take a 3-1/2 floppy & be happy about it.
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or it is against us. There is no middle ground here.
I invented the chicken. I invented the road. Therefore, the chicken crossing the road represented the application of these two different functions of government in a new, reinvented way designed to bring greater services tothe American people.
The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiledhabitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.
I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars,I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to buildroads for chickens to cross.
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plaintruth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what they call it -- the other side. Yes, my friends, that chickenis gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycottall chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewasheswith seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chickencrossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told!
To die. In the rain. Alone.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads withouthaving their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told usthat the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chickentell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced aserious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream ofcrossing the road.
Imagine all the chickens crossing roads in peace.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was a historical inevitability.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping50 tons of nerve gas on it.
I may not agree with what the chicken did, but I will defend to the deathits right to do it.
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes! How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the roadreveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released eChicken 2003, which will not only cross roads, butalso will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standingorder at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to acertain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken?Could you define chicken, please?
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shaltcross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
I missed one?